Sitting, wishing I could gather my words and throw them at this paper, observing where they land. I would contemplate their loveliness as they slide over each other gradually combining to make strange new words. A purging of thoughts through the ramparts of expectation. If I could then run my fingers through them, experiencing the texture of each sound and enunciation. To be unshackled by these lines, instead of having to lay them down in a tethering chain. Breaking free from the bondage of the empty pages in my journal. Unconventional, powerful, free to alight the story as they desired. Creating a curious, rare new dictation of my soul. Some conception that is un-played and exclusive to this empty surface. Spitting them right out of my screaming, racing, nervous, fidgety, unhinged brain. An exquisite prose sovereign from the rules of written expression. Would you be willing to look for meaning in my chaos? Would you see genius in the mayhem of my discourse? Would it be possible to relate to my turmoil?
No, I might be thought to be crazy, and maybe I am.
I might be crazy, Summer Teel 8/2/17
Sometimes my thoughts are impossible to line up because of something called rapid cycling. It’s typical for my people to cycle through depression and times of high energy. Rapid cycling is when you move back in forth from these experiences in rapid succession. Your mind feels out of control. Focusing on self-expression feels impossible and you want to escape it but can’t. Having a conversation hurts, finishing a sentence can be difficult, sitting still feels like torture but you also feel frozen with indecision. The idea of having that just explode from my experience would allow a deep sigh of relief. I also wonder what that would look like. I imagine it would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Art: Jamie Poole, She deconstructs paintings into art. It’s amazing.
Summer Teel 
Wow!!!! Reading that was an AMAZING experience I’ve never had, and it was so delightful! I could actually see your beautiful words gliding thru the air in joy, landing gracefully where they may! Oh yes… this one definitely sees it as genius!
Your description of rapid cycling tho soundsnoverwhelming! I can’t imagine! It’s fascinating traveling thru your creative genius with you! Thank you for taking us there!!!!
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Thank you so much Sandy. I was having a very hard time getting my words organized that I was frustrated. This was born from that. Rapid cycling is common in BP 2 which I have. It is over whelming.
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I have depression and social/general anxiety, so I understand the frustration of feeling something but being unable to write it down. On the other hand, I want to thank you for spreading awareness/knowledge about bipolar. I tend to write characters with various mental illnesses, and blogs like yours are very helpful 🙂
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Thank you so much for the comradery on this subject. When I started this blog and shared it with friends and family I felt like I was coming out in a way. My goal is to be as honest about my experience as possible. My hope is to give people who have mental illness a voice and spread awareness of what it’s really like. I’m looking forward to reading your blog.
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Hi, stopping by to let you know that I nominated you for the Liebster Award 🙂 https://lehunt.blog/2017/08/03/liebster-award/
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